The compleat list of lists

lists

It seems that listicles have fallen from fashion of late, so let’s give a try to instigating a revival. Publishers put these together at this time of year because there is no real news. That’s not why I’m doing it. I’m doing it as a public service.

Top 12 Get-Trump Bloopers of 2019

Sample: That’s easy for her to say. 

After Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell destroyed impeachment with a short, half-hour speech of his life, Nancy Pelosi was reduced to . . . well, watch it for yourself. Hey, where’s her drink?

The Decade’s Top 10 Most Spectacular Falls From Grace

Sample: Anthony Weiner/Carlos Danger (2011, 2013, 2016)

Of all the politicians to find themselves in a sexting scandal, it had to be the one whose last name is Weiner. In 2011, Anthony Weiner, the married representative from New York, resigned after being caught sending explicit photos of his genitalia to several young women, some underage.

Top 10 Most Bizarre Viral Hoaxes of 2019

Sample: Mainstream media falsely reports conservatives are “outraged” over a video of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) dancing.

Despite never being given examples of a conservative doing anything more than shrugging the video off, the mainstream media ran with the narrative anyway, prompting Ocasio-Cortez to post another video of herself dancing in front of her congressional office, tweeting: “I hear the GOP thinks women dancing are scandalous. Wait till they find out Congresswomen dance too!”

2019: The Year of Massive Big Tech Data Breaches

Sample: Capital One breach puts 100+ million at risk

In July of 2019, Breitbart News reported that a 33-year-old transgender woman who worked as a software engineer in Seattle was arrested in relation to a massive data breach which put over 100 million Capital One credit card applicants at risk. Paige A. Thompson allegedly accessed information from the Capital One bank through an improperly managed security feature and posted this information on a data-sharing site, a criminal complaint alleges.

Six Lessons Jussie Smollett Taught Us About America’s Culture War in 2019

Sample: The road to success is paved with victimhood instead of hard work.

As it has been portrayed, the motivation in staging this attack was to gain publicity and enhance Smollett’s public profile. In theory, this would lead to more prominent acting roles and bigger pay checks (for Jussie and the Nigerian brothers, presumably). There was a time in America that people sought to advance by practicing relentlessly and persevering through challenges. Today, if you successfully claim victim status you’ll likely be promoted before other, more deserving candidates.

The 2019 Breitbart News Fake News Awards

2019’s ‘Fox Staffer Caught Kissing Future Employer Jeff Zucker’s Ass the Most’ Award: Andrew Napolitano

2019’s ‘Fox Staffer Caught Kissing Future Employer Jeff Zucker’s Ass the Second Most’ Award: Chris Wallace

Ave atque vale 2019

 

Sample: JOHN CONYERS, pantsless parliamentarian

Like most of his colleagues, lifetime legislator John Conyers didn’t bother reading the 2,700-page health-care bill he voted for. As he said with disarming honesty, he wouldn’t understand it even if he did: “They get up and say, ‘Read the bill.’ What good is reading the bill if it’s a thousand pages and you don’t have two days and two lawyers to find out what it means after you read the bill?” It would be churlish to direct readers to the video posted on the Internet of Representative Conyers finding time to peruse a copy of Playboy while on a commuter flight to Detroit.

What did I miss? Send your favorite to our Department of Lists. Representatives are standing by. This is because we can’t afford chairs.

~ Craig Millar

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